And good morning to you too! Someone said that to me the other day, just like that. With a heavy stress on the good morning and the you too. I think they were making a point. Well trying too. Just say it as it is, I say. I certainly don’t have a problem with it. Do you? But never expect me to meet and greet until I’ve had my double espresso. Please.

And these days life is even more hectic than usual. I’m flying hither and thither, like a bee in a Balenciaga ballgown, as my mother says. As a ventriloquist with more passion that skill she loves the challenge of bilabial alliteration. Even if it doesn’t make sense.

Why shouldn’t I?

Yes it’s me, Vanessa Black and back.

I’m sure you’ll be pleased to hear I’m feeling more positive than I did last week. I think it’s fair to say all things considered that my tetchiness was mostly due to being told by my editor that I couldn’t use photos of people I take when I’m wandering around Fethiye.

It just seemed incredibly unreasonable to me at the time. Why shouldn’t I? After all it is only a sort of digital gossip isn’t it? The ‘You’ll never guess what/who I saw’ sort of thing but visual instead of verbal. And yet those very same people post pictures of themselves all over websites like Facebook. And don’t try and find me on it even if you think you have. I have better ways to get my news out there.

What’s more — while we’re on the subject — he he said I throw tantrums. I don’t. And calling me Violet Elizabeth Bott was way off the mark. First, I never said ‘I’ll thcream and thcream ’till I’m thick.’ Never ever. OK? And secondly it is well known that I am never wrong. Anyway, I’ve got over it now, and those glasses were hideous. 

And while we’re on the subject: after last week’s column I was told I shouldn’t use idiomatic and vernacular English words or expressions that people from other English speaking countries have problems understanding. Does that sound as paradoxical to you as it does to me? Come to think of it, it may explain why I sometimes get baffled looks when I’m on the other side of the pond. Next time I will take an interpreter.

Weather wise

I can’t remember the last time I had to wear socks at the end of May but I’ve got no problem wearing my Louis Spikes for another week or two, although they do make for some green eyes while I’m walking around town. Come on girls, those envious looks are not good. Not kind. It’s important to be stylish; surely that goes without saying? Anyway, I’m sure it won’t be too long until something there is something almost (but not quite) the same in the Tuesday market. I won’t say any more, just in case. This is Fethiye Confidential, after all.

Weird words

But while we’re on the subject of socks, there are some feet that should be permanently covered. And I don’t care what with. You know who you are. Those horrible cracked, ochre yellow toenailed variety with bunions and big whiskery toes. I think I mentioned a few weeks ago that I had a bit of a foot fetish but there are some I really hate to the point of screaming. Siri just told me it’s something called Podophobia. I am Vanessa and I’m podophobic. There, I’ve said it. Don’t you love learning a new word?

Oh my goodness, I just said thank you to Siri and would you believe it, he said,

Your wish is my command”,

in his crisp public school voice. What a sweetie. For a moment he reminded me of an old flame who used to say that. NO! It couldn’t be you could it, James?

I digress. But it is worth making the time to look after your feet, well getting someone else to, believe me. James certainly thought so. And what ever happened to those fish pedicures that were so popular a few years ago? They used to be everywhere in Fethiye. I suppose they were a passing phase and there weren’t enough feet to nibble on during the winter. Just like James, come to think of it. Your loss.

Yachts and other yearnings

I might as well tell you, if you promise not to be too jealous. My yacht is being delivered from her winter berth next week by her spectacularly attractive skipper. If you ever meet him don’t tell him I said that. The yacht is the main reason for me spending some time in Fethiye this summer. I love hopping from bay to bay or over to the Greek islands from time to time for a glass or two of a distinctive Vangelis Gerovassiliou. Nectar.

And it goes without saying there are some excellent Turkish wines too. As Shirley Valentine once said, there’s nothing better than

sitting by the sea, just… sipping wine, and watching the sun go down”,

especially in a country where the grape is grown. I think she got it spot on, don’t you?

Talking about Shirley, I’ve met a few people recently who are the epitome of someone having a mid life crisis. I certainly don’t intend to have one as I hate being predicable. By the way, did I tell you I’ve found a wonderful place to dance? Rumba, Salsa and Tango certainly complement my regular yoga, running and cycling routines. Fethiye has so many excellent opportunities for all sorts of exercise and Flow will be the perfect place now the nights are getting warmer. Dance increases levels of serotonin, so it’s not surprising I read somewhere the other week, it’s where the beautiful people go. If you’re lucky you might even see me there.

Fethiye confidential

Gossip gathering

Another reason for feeling blissfully happy is that I heard something just this morning of immense importance. According to BBC Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour presenter Jane Garvey, gossip is as essential to her as chocolate. Replace the chocolate with champagne and she’s a woman after my own heart. I was listening to her on my way to Heathrow Airport and was thrilled to hear that there is to be a discussion about my favourite subject at the Cheltenham Festival.

Checking it out on the promotional blurb I read,

Love it or loathe it, you’re hard-wired for gossip and are more likely to behave if you think you’ll be the subject of some. But in today’s digital world, the new way we gossip could be changing us.”

It sounds bizarrely like what I was saying to a friend of mine on the London Underground only the other day. I wonder if someone was eavesdropping? We were laughing like drains, especially when we moved onto the subject of people who go out of their way to behave badly just to attract attention.

Only while I’m writing this have I realised to my complete horror, I won’t be able to go. Look, I can’t be everywhere at once can I? If any of you are going to be in Cheltenham on Friday, please go along and let me know exactly what they say. I’m relying on you.

They’ve just announced the flight is boarding. Must dash. What a pity, there was so much more to tell you. It’ll have to wait. See you all next week, even if you don’t see me.